I WANT EVERY VERSION OF MYSELF

I want every version of myself. Not just the polished and well articulated one people like. Not just the calm one that knows what to say. I want the messy one too — the one that gets confused, the one that feels too much, the one that doesn’t always have answers. The one that makes mistakes. It is very tiring pretending to be only one thing. I am not just strong. I am not just soft. I am not just confident or broken. I am all of it. Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world. Other days, even tying my shoes feels like work. And both days are real. Both days are me.

For the longest of time, I tried to hide the parts of myself that didn’t look good. I hid my fear. I hid my jealousy. I hid how deeply I feel things. I thought if people saw those sides, they would leave. So I learned how to smile when I was hurting. I learned how to act okay when I wasn’t. But carrying that every day is heavy. Pretending is exhausting. I want the version of me that dreams big and the version of me that doubts himself. I want the version that loves loudly and the version that pulls back because he’s scared of being hurt. I want the version that fails and the version that gets back up. None of these versions are mistakes. They are all part of the same story.

Sometimes I get angry, and it scares me. Sometimes I get sad for no clear reason. Sometimes I want things I don’t know how to reach. But those feelings are not enemies. They are signs. They are telling me where I care, where I’m tired, where I need to grow. If I keep hiding them, I will never really know myself. I don’t want to live a life where I am always performing. I don’t want to be a character I created just so people will clap for me. I want to be someone who is honest, even when honesty is not pretty. I want my outside to look like my inside. I want to speak how I feel, not how I think I should feel or how I was taught to feel.

There is a version of me that is still a child inside — curious, scared, hopeful. There is a version of me that is trying to be a man — responsible, strong, steady. There is a version of me that is wounded from things I don’t talk about. And there is a version of me that still believes life can be beautiful even in this chaos. All of them deserve to exist. I am not broken because I have many sides. I am human. Change does not mean I am fake. It means I am growing. The person I used to be helped me become who I am now. The person I will be tomorrow is being built by what I am feeling today. I want every version of myself because I don’t want to live half a life. I want to feel deeply. I want to fall and rise. I want to love, lose, try again, and still believe. I want to look at myself and not be ashamed of any part. Even the ugly parts made me. Even the weak days taught me. Even the mistakes shaped me. I want every version of myself — not because they are perfect, but because they are real. And being real is the bravest thing anyone can ever be. 

Socrates said as he meditated atop the temple in Athens, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” He was very right. 



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